Say It Ain't So Mama

I have been sleep for the past Half of the day and I was dreaming about being back at Iowa state and my brothers, my mother, and the man that supplied her drugs where in the dream. Okay so I know right, a lot to take in but it gets even more complicated because my mother was dating her second husband who in real life left her stranded with my lil brothers for some random chick he got pregnant. And those kids where calling my brothers there brothers...
O_o

Okay so I get that I am feeling like I lost my family. I have been feeling like that for a very long time but what I still have an issue with is where do I place anger and blame? I would like to make the statement that drugs took my mother from me but I know better aye made that choice. And I had to cope with the idea that as a child my love and desire to be the perfect son wasn't making my mother happy I wasn't enough motivation for her to pull her shit together... And I can only imagine how my little brothers felt especially after I went a way to college.

I even get why they were with college with me in the dream bi wish I could've taken them with me when I left I always regret leaving and used my regret as an excuse not to finish school which Is why I'm having such a tough time getting back in (note to self: it's never as easy the second time around).

Ok so as for the drug man who was actually brought around as a friend of the family it's very evident why I would have anger towards him but I don't know if I do... The thing is that money rules the world so why would I expect him not to take my mothers money. In my hood you have to respect game regardless of who it affects, and truth is he protected me while growing up just by association. So does that make it right?

And this is t to bad talk my mother because she always took care of business made sure we had food on the table clothes shoes a roof over our head, you k ow how that song goes, but looking back... She could've done better.

She manipulated the system to get the things we needed I turned to an alternative style of living to help me cope with not being able to afford ymthe nicer things that we honestly could've afforded growing up. I kept my mouth shut when I needed new shoes because I knew my brothers needed sone more, I found happiness in the little things my mother did to justify the nights she cried asking fir god to take... I excepted the people she loved because I loved her even if I knew the person she loved was harming the family... I watched the endless fights she would have with her second husband and watched her not leave. I still do t understand why she accepted that type of abuse.. Espicially being that she was winning the fights. She was a queen strong enough to concur the world and she accepted the bullshit in life.

So many more mama I want to sing stories and none end happy. I'm sure she loves me but lately to her, I am just like my daddy a no good asswhole, a hellbound fag... And the truth is I may be all of what she states or none of it , but I am tired of second guessing my decision to not subject myself to her vices.... #vulnerability.

Life is what you make... And others will always do what you let them... You owe the world nothing and owe the world to yourself

I felt The Need to do this

there is so much stuff that i keep to myself for the sake of being a loyal and good associate. And I get tired of being the good samaritan (sp). I just want to get all of my thoughts the good and the bad out. And it is not my goal to upset or offend anyone. That being said, I might upset or offend anyone. I will not apoloize for my feelings or for my words... not here, not now, not ever. I am too apologetic everywhere else.

I do promise however to be 100 truthful and open to all opinions so please be kind and provide your point of view. I find it much easier to walk in the footsteps of another when i have direction from those others to help.

A little about me that is not in my profile. I am a dancer, I have been for some time. I am the assistant director of MaTiff Dance (www.matiffdance.com) in which i maintain the website which is currently under construction, I choreograph, do costuming, make up, master music, and deal with snotty attitudinal teenagers... and most of the time i manage to do it all with a smile. I teach intermediate hip hop on Thursdays, and I am currently enrolled in college studying graphic design....

I try to keep my mind busy because when its idle i tend to become a downer... This blog is an attempt to keep myself and my spirit high above the clouds. That is why i felt the need to do this... If there is something you don't like within my blogs let me know i wont get offended... unless you call me a hellbound fag or something cause those are fighting words lol...