Cake pops for the first time

The first time was a charm, the second not so much. Lol they taste awesome and look even better. 

Tips: keep your hands damp, with cold water when making the balls. 💦

We spend our entire life searching for a love that will last forever, a soul mate, the one... The love of my life found me and returned the love I had for them so strong. Our relationship lasted for only five years, and the ending of us stole my breath away.

I know you will find this and read it a few times. I can never say enough hoe much I love you. The words don't amount to the feelings. And even when our end was stealing my life, you gave me joy and laughter to combat the tears that would come... So I say thank you (Estelle voice lol)

I guess I'm writing this just to get you out of my heart. It still bleeds from the unwarranted sever. You are an artery of mines that was taken away, and my foolish behaviors has caused an unfitting...

I often think about us being together, and then i sometimes am saddened at the fact that I am not the same person you loved back then. I watch you with ringing ears live and love and laugh without me and selfishly I whisper of how I want my best friend back.

We spend our entire life searching for a love that will last forever, a soul mate, the one... The love of my life didn't last for a lifetime, but the impact your love made in my life will warm me slowly and forever.

Love always
want always
live always
Always

Joe Hodge

www.pantone525.com

It's been a long time

December 2010: I was hired in as a choreographer for  a dance company to put together a christmas show. I delivered an amazing peice of choreography, sewed and purchased a vast majority of the costuming, and created the music mix.  The dancers only had to show up, and that was actually the hard part. The company's dancers had other priorities and so the show was almost cancelled upon being cancelled i was told that as choreographer, I would have to pay back any monetary funds because the dancers didn't show up O_o  of course i wasn't having that shit. If i was hired in as a choreographer, and i completed my tasks, along with making myself available for the dancers to learn the choreoghraphy and put ting together the show, the company is liable for the cost of not performing because of the companie's dancers. I did not fault on any of my tasks....

Needless to say, that incident along with so many other dealings with this company in the past, made it very easy to transition myself into a new job feild and career, and so i did..... now lets fast forward past all that.....

I miss dance, but that is only because i am past the point of resenting the dance envirionment here in this small metropolitan city.... I was asked to do a slide excercise class that would run six weeks long  onece a week... I am excited to be getting back into dance and utilizing it for a good cause. Helping others have fun, while getting healthy is a very good reason to return...If you are in the st. louis area come out it'll be fun

The Dreams continue

When I stayed in Iowa, I opened my home up to 2 very good friends. The sexiest couple I had ever known, well besides me and my boo lol.. Recently I've been having dreams about them... real short story, I am walking up stairs and searching for a restroom because i have to pee, when i get to the bathroom there is a line of bathrooms but everyone is in line to use the one, I see my friends boyfriend and i look at him saying "this is some bull@*$t" he follows me to another restroom, we sneak in and we use the bathroom.....together.... #thatisall  but still i find that very strange...so i looked up what having dreams about using the restroom meant... you should google that bc its too much to type..all i can say is that I'm glad he wasn't pissing on my #Rkelly moment lol

Publish Post

Progress..

In March of 2010 I met with an advisor at Hickey Business College. I was eager to go back to school but there was one dilemma; my student loans where all in default so I couldn't get any financial assistance. Luckily for me FMS(a collection agency with the dept of education) called with a solution that would put me out on my ass... They calculated what I made, the necessary money needed to pay the basics (rent and food) and said give s the rest for the next 9 months either this or we start taking the money from your checks and tax return.  o_O  The advisor then said "why wait until next year to go??? you came in on your own bc you were ready you don't strike me as a person that puts off what he wants."

The advisor was right, so I talked to me significant other at the time, and to my mother who had been univitedly staying with me for the past four months with her boyfriend, and it seemed like every one was on board for me to have a better future.  Once the commitment began the on board passengers quickly derailed and jumped to sea lol but that was okay I was determined, I had God, and I had my dog.

So I gave up my apartment, and my job, so that i could go to school full time, I moved in the direction that I felt God had created for me and I prayed a lot lol.  My mother and I stopped talking bc she felt i was being selfish by giving up everything to o back to school, and my friend that i was dating wasn't heading anywhere in life. (interjection: doesn't make the person a bad person but how many times can you make an excuse to not go to school and better yourself b4 you realize that the only person keeping you from a better future is you)

the date is now Oct. 18 and I have only 2 more payments to make to the dept of education before I am down and my loan becomes deferred. I have complete my first quarter of seven at school finishing that up with a 4.0 in graphic design, and may payments jumped from 1901 a month plus the 409 for dept of education to 337 a month plus 409. Now that is still a lot and I don't know where its coming from, but God didn't bring me this far for me to give up. This is progress and patience and determination... with the help of Yuvanca Russ and Lawrence Lewis... and my Dog... I am happily struggling lol  and that's farreal

Say It Ain't So Mama

I have been sleep for the past Half of the day and I was dreaming about being back at Iowa state and my brothers, my mother, and the man that supplied her drugs where in the dream. Okay so I know right, a lot to take in but it gets even more complicated because my mother was dating her second husband who in real life left her stranded with my lil brothers for some random chick he got pregnant. And those kids where calling my brothers there brothers...
O_o

Okay so I get that I am feeling like I lost my family. I have been feeling like that for a very long time but what I still have an issue with is where do I place anger and blame? I would like to make the statement that drugs took my mother from me but I know better aye made that choice. And I had to cope with the idea that as a child my love and desire to be the perfect son wasn't making my mother happy I wasn't enough motivation for her to pull her shit together... And I can only imagine how my little brothers felt especially after I went a way to college.

I even get why they were with college with me in the dream bi wish I could've taken them with me when I left I always regret leaving and used my regret as an excuse not to finish school which Is why I'm having such a tough time getting back in (note to self: it's never as easy the second time around).

Ok so as for the drug man who was actually brought around as a friend of the family it's very evident why I would have anger towards him but I don't know if I do... The thing is that money rules the world so why would I expect him not to take my mothers money. In my hood you have to respect game regardless of who it affects, and truth is he protected me while growing up just by association. So does that make it right?

And this is t to bad talk my mother because she always took care of business made sure we had food on the table clothes shoes a roof over our head, you k ow how that song goes, but looking back... She could've done better.

She manipulated the system to get the things we needed I turned to an alternative style of living to help me cope with not being able to afford ymthe nicer things that we honestly could've afforded growing up. I kept my mouth shut when I needed new shoes because I knew my brothers needed sone more, I found happiness in the little things my mother did to justify the nights she cried asking fir god to take... I excepted the people she loved because I loved her even if I knew the person she loved was harming the family... I watched the endless fights she would have with her second husband and watched her not leave. I still do t understand why she accepted that type of abuse.. Espicially being that she was winning the fights. She was a queen strong enough to concur the world and she accepted the bullshit in life.

So many more mama I want to sing stories and none end happy. I'm sure she loves me but lately to her, I am just like my daddy a no good asswhole, a hellbound fag... And the truth is I may be all of what she states or none of it , but I am tired of second guessing my decision to not subject myself to her vices.... #vulnerability.

Life is what you make... And others will always do what you let them... You owe the world nothing and owe the world to yourself

I felt The Need to do this

there is so much stuff that i keep to myself for the sake of being a loyal and good associate. And I get tired of being the good samaritan (sp). I just want to get all of my thoughts the good and the bad out. And it is not my goal to upset or offend anyone. That being said, I might upset or offend anyone. I will not apoloize for my feelings or for my words... not here, not now, not ever. I am too apologetic everywhere else.

I do promise however to be 100 truthful and open to all opinions so please be kind and provide your point of view. I find it much easier to walk in the footsteps of another when i have direction from those others to help.

A little about me that is not in my profile. I am a dancer, I have been for some time. I am the assistant director of MaTiff Dance (www.matiffdance.com) in which i maintain the website which is currently under construction, I choreograph, do costuming, make up, master music, and deal with snotty attitudinal teenagers... and most of the time i manage to do it all with a smile. I teach intermediate hip hop on Thursdays, and I am currently enrolled in college studying graphic design....

I try to keep my mind busy because when its idle i tend to become a downer... This blog is an attempt to keep myself and my spirit high above the clouds. That is why i felt the need to do this... If there is something you don't like within my blogs let me know i wont get offended... unless you call me a hellbound fag or something cause those are fighting words lol...